Oh mein gott
I just read through an MSN conversation i had with my first boyfriend, in June 2005, about a month after we broke up after TWO years of being together. It was my first, longest, rockiest relationship. I’m talking serious emotionally unhealthy relationship.
After reading four pages of some of shittiest dialogue I have ever partaken in, I have come to the conclusion, sadly, that I was indeed a crazy and depressed, not to mention obsessive, little stupid 15 year old FOOL.
I am rather ashamed and am now going to drown my sorrows in a big fat mug of coffee. Sometimes I wish there was a delete button for my past. And yet I keep these conversations, entire GB’s of them, on my laptop. And years down the line I take a look. Check on how that progress thing is going. So far I seem less obsessive. If I, 2009 version, had to meet my 2005 version, I think I’d possibly consider some severe corporal punishment. Meh. Siff.
On the upside, tonight had rehersals with Andrew Buckland, God of south african physical theatre. He has just come back from working with CIRQUE DU SOLEIL (fuck yes!!), and is now directing Stilted. Tomorrow we move into new rehearsal venue which is damn far from my house 😦 Less than one month till Festival begins 😀
Oh yes – I wrote an exam today! lolz. It was alright. There is other crap on my mind, sorry Colesworth and Keatsidge.. But it did go okay, I had time to read over everything again, which is great. Wednesday is French lit, which will very possibly eat me alive.
I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LAME I WAS JUST A FEW YEARS AGO!!! AHAAAAH! What if I’m still that shitty but just can’t see it? O.o
I feel like a crazy person who does not know they are crazy.
On another upside, I have bought R100 worth of snacks to get me thru this week. I know, I do realise the continent I live in is starving to death, and here I am chomping on smarties, but. I really have no justifications. Really. Im not even going to try.
And in other news, men are still as lame as ever. Though after reading thru that conversation, I need to give kudos to that ex for not shooting me. Really. In the highly unlikely possibility that any of my ex’s are reading this – just want to say sorry if I was a little off the bat sometimes.
Having said that, maybe if y’all hadn’t had unmedicated and rampant chemical imbalances or hadn’t been agressive or abused by your families or on drugs or spiritually brainwashed or immature, maybe,
it might have helped my crazy ass just a bit.