I’m double-posting this here and on my deviantART blog , because this is a pretty important post – for me, at any rate 🙂
I went to church today.
One of my favourite people in the church was speaking, which made it easier. I like her because firstly, she is a woman with a position as leader in the church, which is not as common as it should be, and she does a damn good job.
Secondly I like her because she’s really genuine and honest, she admits her faults and her doubts, and when you talk to her, she actually listens – she doesn’t refer you to ecclesiastes or ‘101 solutions for the doubting christian’ – she LISTENS.
So in return, when she speaks, I listen.
Today she spoke about “finding wisdom in times of change,” or as teh Christians call it, in “seasons.”
Apart from a few strange points about God ‘engineering’ circumstances in our lives so that we can get to a point where we cry out for help (meaning we don’t really have free will then?), I thought she spoke really well, and reasonably.
The most important thing for me was the point about embracing our seasons. On my blog, on May 15 2009, I quoted Paul:
“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Phil 4:10-13)
This is obviously a big deal for me – I really like routine, and seasons changing honestly just piss me off sometimes! I think I need to grow up and get over that…but it’s easier said/blogged about than done!
Nevertheless I think blogging and journalling is part of the process of embracing seasons – embracing that I have been a moron, embracing my mistakes, embracing the shit times, and always, always, remembering that I need to look at THE BIGGER PICTURE.
That time heals a lot of hurts, that distance and hindsight are more powerful healers of heart-ache than we think…That we are not alone. If I have made any progress in the past 24 hours, I think it is that I can really say, I do not believe I am alone in this world. Something’s got my back, something which is, at least in part, really really loving.
Something I wrote on my dA Journal on April 16 2009:
“And the worst thing that could possibly happen to me
is that I spend a few weeks crying and kicking and feeling sorry for myself.”
Well, that fling did end, and I did spend a while crying and kicking myself. But I have no regrets. It was good for the season that it lasted, and now I need to embrace the current season of being – how does the church put it – “comfortably single”….
Yeah, whatever, let’s not dream that big.
Rather, I am embracing my current state as a Crazy Cat Lady minus the cats (for now) (because I already have digsmates which qualify as house pets).
I skim-read through all my blog-posts about crime and fear. I might sound very naive, but never before have I experienced crime this close, as I have this year. I am still scared, I am still battling to fall asleep, but it’s getting better. I do love giving the security company a call and asking them to do a patrol drive-by in the middle of the night. But I think the fact that I haven’t bought myself a shot gun (to gun down landlord, estate agents, plus any future intruders) is enough of a sign that I’m embracing the season of shitty unsafe digs life. Sort of.
I FINALLY got my Driver’s Licence! After all the insane blogs about rolling, stalling, crying, going through 6 or 7 driving instructors, and failing the test once already, it actually worked out alright. And it’s given me such a boost in my self-esteem, because I’ve seen that – while I am by no means a maginificent driver- I CAN apply myself and get results.
Reading Journal entry, 1 December 2008:
“The raddest part was actually driving in my hometown. Driving past my friends’ homes, for the first time ever. Driving myself home. Driving in an area I haven’t been to for years: my ex-boyfriend’s area. To think that when I was 13 we walked that street, and hopped over those logs…Who would have thought that 6 years later instead of sitting in the backseat of my mom’s car with him I’d be in the front seat with an instructor next to me.. “
There is a time for everything… 🙂
One thing I wrote on Jan 12 2009, which I have almost totally disregarded these past months:
“Am going to find a way
To see a psychologist in 2009, at least once.”
I really am undecided if I should make time to do this. Some days I think I’m coping fine on my own. Though really, with friends, family, and some kind of connection with some kind of spiritual goodness, I’m hardly on my own..
I think the next few weeks will be a smoother season for me. No essays, no deadlines. Just great amazing theatre work, and a lot of reading for English, but it’s just reading. No essays 😀 And a great time in Durban as well, during which I will stay the heck away from any drama-llamas, because when you only have 10 days in your hometown, you make SURE those days are packed with happiness, not teenage politics. Spending part of my holidays here in Gtown has also been fantastic. I cannot wait for the Arts Festival to start!! Will definitely blog about that here on WordPress!
THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN
EMBRACE EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME, EVERY SEASON.
(And if you read every line of this entry, right to the end, I send you many virtual hugs, and raucous applause)