Sometimes relationships end because couples fight.
Or they meet better people.
Sometimes the sparks fizzle out.
You grow apart.
With me and you, it was the distance.
With me and you, I think I’m mature enough to admit that I could still be attracted to you. I’m not angry with you, or bitter. But I have once again closed my heart, boarded up the windows, so that any light shining in will just have to look elsewhere.
It’s this distance which messed up my plans, though I promised I wouldn’t make any. I also said I wouldn’t make any promises. But I did give you a chance, and you opened your arms wide too. Two weeks, Durban, the holidays, puppy eyes and teenage smiles.
But the timer went off and I had to go back to university, Eastern Cape, books and deadlines. I told you. You said it’s fine, baby, I’ve got a plan. But I left and the plan never worked, and the money wasn’t enough, and you never visited, and the messages didn’t come, and neither the phonecalls, because the time wasn’t there anymore, and the weeks were passing and I was more alone than I was to begin with. This isn’t a relationship, I thought. You admitted you couldn’t come visit. You admitted you didn’t have the time to write every day. I gave it a trial run, but it was clear it wasn’t working. We agreed we’d just be friends. There wasn’t a fight. I didn’t stop liking him.
Then the time. The weeks passed without hearing from him. One, two, three weeks. Not a word. Was he angry? Sad? Moving on to the next one? A few messages here and there told me he had tried to contact me, but the sms just hadn’t come through. Do I believe him? My feelings were weakening – I didn’t know who he was, or where or how or why…So much was changing in my life and he didn’t know it either. What did he feel?
I come home. I remember we had said, that we would be friends, and see how things were when I returned in July. Something might happen again, or we could just stay friends. I didn’t want a regular holiday fling. I wanted a constant, stable relationship. Someone to see and hold and hear and breathe next to. And mere days before I’m bound to leave Grahamstown, I find that someone. So now I’m meeting up with you with two hands full of reasons why you must let go – this distance will not decrease, and yes, yes, there is someone else, someone who is lovely like you, but who lives close and who has the time for me.
My mind reels with the thoughts – what if I lived in Durban, what if we hadn’t had to part, would we be together now? But that’s a future that remains unseen, and will remain so, because I do not live in Durban, and you will never come visit me. And I have finally found someone who likes me, who visits me, who sees me and writes to me. So let it be.