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I am still dying of pain.
I haven’t heard from him. My friend bumped into him at a pub and he acknowledged we have broken up. He looked bleak. And that’s about all I have been told.

I am in a really bad place, but I am also very self-conscious about my thought processes and whatnot. I am analysing myself most of the time. I can’t stand silence. I have had music playing almost non-stop. I still have flu, after two weeks. I have alcohol and other poisons in my system, along with homeopathic remedies. I have been eating nicely except too little fruit. I cant stop talking. The silence is absolutely awful. Whenever it’s quiet I play a song or I sing or I talk I can’t stop. When it’s quiet I hear my heart and it aches so much. I can’t believe this started on the 5th of July only. It feels like so much longer and I guess that’s why I’m aching so much. I dreamt last night I was chatting to my little sister and I kept saying I’m turning 20, I have about 4 months left of being in my teens. I really am gettin too old for these antics.

tomorrow im going to the doctor and the next day to the pharmacy. and on friday it will be a weekend again. it’s a big party weekend here. Special parties are being arranged, it’s an annual tradition thing called Trivarsity. It used to be about sport but now it’s only about wearing overalls, drinking and throwing up. I am either going to consume enough alcohol to get me sent back to Durban for emergency liver operations, or more likely, I am going to hide out in some quiet place with a few friends.

I really would like to go home, and if I had more than R23 in my bank account, i’d totally fly over for a few days. But I’ve got to “man-up” as they say, suck it up, get some balls (love the phallocratic language) and hang in there.

Last night was so good though. i finished rehearsal at 4 and i had nothing esle to do, so worried, did not know how I would survive til 10pm. Then one of the girls in my cast invited me to a pub. So I went home, got totally dolled up, looking like a fucking sexy beast, and then went off with my digsmate. We hung out at the pub with a bunch of girls for a while. I had a Pink Lady, which consists of vodka, strawberry liqueur and juice. Pretty much got very tipsy just on that. Then we walked to another mate’s house. Went to get a DVD, and cake, and had a girls’ night there. We watched “I could never be your woman” (picked out by me, in my non-sober state). It turned out to be freaking A!!! I highly recommend it. It’s not a cheesy chick flick! It’s a satire about the hollywood world, fickle, consumerist people, and spoilt brats in general. Rad!!! There is a ton of romance as well, which got me sniffling, but it was fine. Then I decided I needed coffee so off we went to Cow Moon Theory, one of the greatest things about this little town.

We sat on the couches and drank our coffee and one of the waitresses, who is also a friend of ours, came to chat with us. We got into a really great discussion about drugs and break-ups, and she was saying how she does drugs, and then tries to find the same mindset when she is not stoned. Because when she is stoned she finds another mindset, loses her inhibitions and so on. And I reckon that makes so much sense. Lately I’ve been doing a similar thing, without really noticing it. I’v been trying to talk like I did when I was stoned. Just speak my mind. Disjointed, stream of consciousness, honest speech. And I realised I’m not a bad person. That actually, there is so much to me. And I am interesting and worth spending time with. Even if I don’t get drunk or stoned. Even if I don’t dress up or dress down or get out of my pyjamas at all. I am worth getting to know. And should anyone leave me, it is their loss, not mine.
It was such an empowering and enlightening conversation. I felt so strengthened. It still hurts. But I know it wasn’t my fault, and I know I must not change for a guy. It’s okay to be how I am.

I still went home, and lay in my bed still, and held my arms, and whispered for a long time. I thought about him and the conversations I wish we’d had. I wish we could have. And I said to her shhh it wasn’t your fault. Shhh.

I am vulnerable, but it is an experience. I am raw and sore, but it is an experienc


Comments on: "Epiphanies, salvation, and heartache" (2)

  1. An Imperfect Servant said:

    The greatest strength you have is your willingness to think for your self, to explore the possibilities in your head and to not shrink from a posible negative experiance just because of potential pain.

    • Wow 🙂 thank you. One of the girls in my cast said to me today, “aren’t you tired of carrying around a broken heart?”

      And I said yeah, I really am.
      But now thinking back on it, I reckon it’s still a valuable experience. As much as I wish it was over and i didn’t hurt anymore, I’ve actually reaped a lot from this. 🙂

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