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Christmas without Christ

Well, this was my first Christmas since my de-conversion.

It was mostly alright. I was chatting to a friend of mine last night, who has also recently dropped out of a very evangelical church, and he encouraged me to see today as a family day, and a treat – food, gifts, and leave from work and school.

So I did. I spent most of today with my close family, with whom I live in South Africa, but also another dozen or so people who are part of my family but whom I only see once a year, when I come to Italy. It’s a bit weird, because although they are supposed to be my close family members, we don’t really know each other properly.

You try and chat and bond again, in four hours with 20 or so people…
Life of the nomad, I guess.
I’m going to spend my 20th birthday with my cousins and some friends of mine, if I can organise it all at the last minute. I’ve never partied with my cousins, so I’m quite keen to see how that goes 😀

Sometimes I wish I had the kind of life which allows you to invite your uncle over for dinner, or to go shopping with your gran. I have four weeks in which to do this, and then pack my stuff and go away for another 52 weeks.

And more often than not, I battle to keep in touch with everyone. As readers will know, I lead a crazy life at Rhodes, and I don’t have time for many emails or calls.

So reconnecting is always weird – I don’t want to lie and tell people I had a lovely year, but I also can’t sit for an hour on Christmas Day and tell them about my panic attacks and deconversion from Christianity (among other hullabaloos).
It’s just not the place, it’s just not the time.


I still had a great time – the restaurant we went to today was really good, and they catered for my veggie restrictions, which isn’t always the case in Italian restaurants. The grannies were all over the moon at how big all the nieces are getting (I was wearing heels), and by half past four we finally finished eating. It was a good day with the family 🙂

As for the reason for the season, I really haven’t given Jesus much of a thought. And there are a lot of reasons why. I guess mostly I just can’t make peace with his existence, power, or love. You could argue that I got through this year because of him, because he helped me even if I ignored him. On the other hand you could argue that I pulled through on my own strength, and with the help of friends and medications. I can’t come to a final decision, and I’m okay with that. It means I don’t give thanks to Jesus, and it also means I don’t wholly bestow upon myself the pride that should come from doing so well.

I don’t really have any other thoughts I can verbalise right now.. So here’s a pretty slideshow! I’m getting the hang of this… As promised, pictures of snow and Italy and food!

Much love to everyone, travel safe, party safe, and drink lemon sorbet to help you digest better. Italians. They know everything.

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Comments on: "Christmas without Christ" (2)

  1. atimetorend said:

    You could argue that I got through this year because of him, because he helped me even if I ignored him. On the other hand you could argue that I pulled through on my own strength, and with the help of friends and medications. I can’t come to a final decision, and I’m okay with that. It means I don’t give thanks to Jesus, and it also means I don’t wholly bestow upon myself the pride that should come from doing so well.

    I think that is great, and healthy, that you don’t feel you need to come to a decision that way. It doesn’t seem like something one should have to stress over, and it can be too easy to feel like you are loosing your mind when you do, at least it was for me. Maybe some “decisions” are just going on and living your life.

    • Thanks, attr 🙂 I think in the beginning i did want to come to a single decision..a single label/religion/philosophy that I wholeheartedly loved. But I can’t really find one, at least not now.

      I do get scared that I’m making a huge mistake – esp. when i hear about people dying ..i freak out and think maybe i’ve made a huge error and there is a hell etc. But that’s just emotion and fear playing with me. I know deep down im confused and I dont really know what the answer is.

      I think for now, i’ve made the decision to go on, as you say, but at the same time, i keep asking, and questioning 🙂

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