Multi-tasking is a great art. It often marks the difference between a cool person, and an idiot who can’t walk and talk on his phone at the same time.
However, my crazy chocabloc life has taught me a huge lesson about the dangers of multi-tasking. Busy as I always am, I have had to compress my bazillions of activities into the 16 or so waking hours I have each day.
Over the years, I have found that a few of these activities should only be mixed when I am being very, very attentive.
Or shit could get weird.
To help fellow crazy multi-taskers around the globe, I have made a list of risky multi-tasking combinations:
Blow-drying your hair and eating yoghurt
If you have an afro like mine, you will know that blow-drying is really a euphemism for dislodging huge hair-balls and then hurling them across the room at the speed of light.
When you have an exposed bowl of yoghurt in said room, things could get, erm…hairy. Your Low Fat Peach Lite with sprinkles of muesli and nuts could suddenly taste like a cat took a bath in it.
Or, if you’re really pushed for time and are avidly shoveling yoghurt into your mouth, while your other hand waves the blow-dryer around your head, which is centimeters away from the bowl so that you don’t spill – you could land up dipping your bangs into said Peach Lite mix, which will then spray across your table as a mighty gust of air comes out of your hair-dryer. The muesli and nuts will also get tangled in the curls of hair. It will be like dreads. Except muesli eventually rots and no one likes a rotten rasta ‘do.
Driving and scratching the eczema rash situated on your right pinkie toe
When forced to choose between two modes of existence: “Scratch” or “Push the Brake”, always, always, always go for the brake option.
Scratching that toe just won’t be as satisfactory when you’re doing it over the still-warm corpse of a donkey you’ve just crashed into.
And plus, if you were really a pro at multi-tasking, you would have learnt how to place your foot at just the right angle on the pedal, so that you can brake and scratch your foot at the same time.
Note: this does not work with the accelerator pedal, unless you’re the kind of driver who likes jerking spasmodically forward like a slug having an epileptic fit.
Writing an email to your mom while Googling images of Zac Efron
This is a bad life choice, because people often write down what they are thinking or speaking about. So if you’re sitting at your computer DOLing (Drooling Out Loud) like OMG ZAC EFRON TOUCH ME A LOT,
You don’t wanna be simultaneously writing an email to your mama.
She’s gonna be all like, oh Joseph I have created a monster! when she reads:
I hope you are well.
I cut my toenails today and OMFG SEXY eat NIPPLES overage is LEGAL SEX!!!!
And the turnips turned out lovely, thanks.
Pouring bleach down the toilet while stirring a cup of tea
I’m not too sure about this one though, because maybe it’s a really clever way to kill someone and avoid the ‘culpable homicide’ tag. It’s more just a ‘oh whoops- shit- homicide’.
And plus, have you ever drunk Cherry Tea? That shit’s just bleach with red colouring.
Driving a car in a swimming costume and eating ice-cream from a tub
Disclaimer: this works very well in B-Grade porn films
Results may vary:
– Your accelerator may be revarnished with a sticky coat of Mango Glue-cose Cream
-Your exposed thighs may turn blue after you drop a spoonful of Very Berry Frozen Piece of Death Ice on them
– Pedestrians will whistle for you, seeing (not your grief and cold) a half-naked lady driving a car with liquid Vanilla Creamilicious spattered all over herself.
That last one was a bit ew.
There ya have it folks, my wisdom, on blog paper, for the world to worship and summarise on Post-It notes.
It’s not like any of this stuff has ever happened to me.
That thing in my hair is actually a bead shaped like muesli. I don’t like, actually, have muesli in my hair.
Feel free to add augmented input into this blog – can you think of any other terribly dangerous combinations of activities? That’s what the comment box is for.
I know, you thought it was a way of selling me Viagra. Thanks, but I already stashed up on it, while riding down High Street on my unicycle, shoveling yoghurt and ice-cream into my mouth.