| Make This Motion Count |

It’s been three weeks since I wrote this…
Wow.
The thing with my anxiety is that I forget how long it goes on for. So I keep thinking, I will deal with the issue, it’s only been a few days…and next thing I know, a month has gone by and I’m still reeling.
A lot is changing in my life, in terms of the beliefs and attitudes I have towards certain things. I’m still gathering my thoughts about it all, I guess I’ll reveal all soon.

If anxiety is a door that locks me within myself, right now I’m titillating in the openingclosing doorway, and this poem was written while looking through the keyhole.

Image from http://shookup.com/books.html

Laughter from behind the locked door

I am locked

I am not hungry
I am not aroused
I am not tired
I am not excited
I am not crying

A terrible sense of dissatisfaction
But not hatred.

Roused to anger, sometimes.
Roused to giggles, laughter, relieved guffaws of YES! I can still feel!
I can still feel.
But then it lingers.
Frustrating acid in the back of the mouth.
This
Is
Not
How
I live

My life.

Dissatisfied anticipation.
Waiting for what?
For what, Marty?
For who which prince on what horse?

The prince is gay, the horse has mange and you couldn’t ride a horse if you fucking tried to.
All you can really do is sit back and laugh,
If the Universe is going to laugh at you, you may as well join in.

19 September

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Comments on: "Laughter from behind the locked door: Poetics of September" (1)

  1. I’m not big on this kind of thing, but I couldn’t help passing it along. Immediately after reading it, I came across your post, well, speaking about the same thing. Here ya go:

    “Any kind of judgment, positive or negative, is actually like putting a straightjacket on ourselves. We don’t need it. In fact, we need to get rid of that. We are very judgmental, but when that judgment comes up, I would suggest having a conversation with it. We do something, and we feel, “I am so ungenerous, I’m so unkind, I can’t really give anything to anybody and actually I wish this person would drop dead”. We can actually have a conversation. We can say, “Okay, I see how you’re feeling. I can see you feel very strongly that way. And I’m here. I’m listening to you. I’m not particularly going to take it one way or another, but I want you to know you’re heard. Now let’s move on”. You are not rejecting that judgmental mind, but also you’re not buying into it and believing it. That’s the important point. – Reggie Ray {October 1998}”

    Reggie is a teacher at DharmaOcean, just in case this seems to strike a chord with ya. If not, give riding a horse a try.

    Dennis
    http://www.dharmaocean.org/default/index.cfm/

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