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Silent Chaos

Right now life includes:

1. The end of term, the onset of never-ending rains flooding campus, cars and my shoes. The sound of a degree ending is drowned out by scraping chairs and endless, endless raining. So this world too, ends in a whisper, not a bang.

2. The death, the threat, the end of a friendship. But this is just a non-event, and like I keep being told, I make TOO MUCH of things. I make blog posts about irrelevant, inconsequential, forgettable little shit.
So tiny yet so capable of making my heart stop.
I was slowly destroying myself and allowing myself to go back too many years, to days when I let people walk all over me, and I let myself take the blame for other people’s issues, because I loved them, or I thought I did, or I didn’t think at all.
But I’m too old to be a pushover now, so finally, after much thought, I’ve shut someone out, and until I’m strong enough to face them and defend myself, I will keep my distance, and so will they.
It hurts like a breakup, but a lot less loud. No crying on my carpet or screaming in the car.
Just a lot of silence. A lot of gulps and blanks and heart-stops.
It took me years to value my friends more than my lovers. Finally, I get it right and look what happens. Heartbreak all over again.

3. A lot of fears. A lot of doubt. Incoming outgoing sense that there is nothing to believe in. Nobody to trust. And no hands to catch me when I slip. And life is just people slipping, jerking spasmodically and ridiculously, laughing at their muddy bums on the puddled floor, and getting up again. Just getting up again. Slipping again. One hand easily replaced by another, or by silence.

I hate this weather.


Comments on: "Silent Chaos" (2)

  1. An Imperfect Servant said:

    The devil is in the details dear Martina, and for people like you and I, we are cursed/blessed to be very aware of many details others take for granted. We have a choice though, to focus on the beauty of how it all comes together or on the struggle.

    • Yoh, that is so true. Being so self-aware has its pitfalls if you’re pessimistic on top of it 😛

      I’m sitting here with my study timetable, my alarm set for tomorrow morning…all I can do is just take things a step at a time 🙂

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