Ah, exam time.
I always have so many friends during this time. Never spoken to some of these people before, like, ever, but suddenly when it’s 5 days before crunch time, they’re all up in my face. Thanks to their wonderful communication skills, I’m taking the liberty of using them as examples for how you should approach the class nerd, should you ever wish to pillage a year’s worth of their studious labour.
Operation Persistent Caller
You start off innocently enough. Google their name, find their cellphone number, save it under the name “Will Help Me Pass OMG”. Call them once. They will probably not call you back because they have no clue who you are. Or, unfortunately, they do have your number, and have saved it under the name “Wants My Babies WTF”
Try find out where they live, and walk past their place often. Eventually you will bump into them and ohmygoshcrazyrandomhappenstance! why don’t you answer my calls?!
Call again. Try to add them on Facebook.
Call again at midnight. Send them a drunken sms. Send them a suicidal note that ends with
your notes, or my life. come on come on come on i know you wanna.
Operation Help Me Help You
This is one for the creative writers out there.
Sit yourself down and prepare a good, persuasive, emotional message.
Preferably several smses long, so that it takes like ten minutes to load onto the screen of the nerd’s cellphone.
Your argument goes something like this:
Hi sweet darling Jesus lovey.
I know I haven’t done any work all year. And I know you have.
Therefore, let me help you. Give me your notes. You will save me time and stress.
Then I will give you my notes. I know that’s really of no benefit to you because my notes are shit and you’ve already done all your work so you need nothing from me but please. Let me help you. Do my work for me.
PS: Could you also wipe my ass please? Reaching for toilet paper is soooo overrated these days.
Operation OMG LIKE HI!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME NOW BITCH KTHNXBAI.
You must be drunk for this to have the slightest effect.
Otherwise you will only seem mentally deficient. If you’re drunk, at least there’s the benefit of the doubt.
After copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, shit music and loud shenanigans,
(as a way to deal with the fact that you like, don’t like books, like, i just don’t know why my parents have paid R90 000 over three years to like send me here to like, read)
approach the nerd.
Don’t just approach – I mean ENCOMPASS. I mean OVERWHELM. I mean fucking POSSESS.
Your speech is of utmost importance. Do NOT whisper. Assume she has a hearing impediment, and accept you have a speech/mental/total impediment. Remember you MUST hug her for the entire length of the speech. Do NOT let go. Even if she tries devious manouvres such as farting or claiming there’s a unicorn behind you. DO NOT LET GO.
OH MY GAWD YOU!
YOU WRITE THINGS! YOU ARE NOT ILLITERATE!
OH MY GAWD LET’S BE FRIENDS!!!
CAN YOU LIKE. TEACH ME.
LIKE. I KNOW.
I HAVEN’T STARTED STUDYING BUT LIKE. YOU HAVE RIGHT? COS YOU’RE LIKE. SUCH A NERD.
SO I WAS LIKE. WONDERING LIKE.
STUDY SESSION MY PLACE TOMORROW OKAY THAAAAANKS!