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Tips for the Rockstar Diva

This post may or may not be based on actual experiences this writer has had.  Cough.

Just because you look like Noel Fielding, doesn't mean you can get away with being shoddy...

So, you’re a young man, and you’ve finally realised there is more to life than Xbox and porn. There is also mascara, pointy shoes, and hairspray.

Good. Good. I approve. I love me a man with some style.

What they didn’t tell you at fashion night school is that looking good CAN’T be your only good asset.

Especially if you decide to get flirtilishous with a punctilious writer like myself, who will slate you to kingdom come for your shortcomings.

So, my dear Rockstar Diva, I thought I’d give you a heads-up, to help you in your quest for perfection:

1. Hair: You want it to defy gravity. I understand that. I appreciate that. But if we’re getting romantic in an alleyway under the moonlight, and I try to run my fingers through said hair, can I please not get tangled in a gunk-ball of your gel?

2. Drugs: Again, I totally understand what you’re trying to do here. Juggling fashion night school with your busy life is tough, and spending six hours on make up each day must kill you – of course you need to add some MDMA, LSD, Acid and Coke to your diet. But babez, I’ve just met you, and I don’t want to wipe off little white crumbs of illegal substances off your chin. And chest. And shirt (designed by you, of course).

3. Mouth action: Pay careful attention now. There’s ice-cream licking, there’s painting a wall with your tongue, there is giving CPR to resuscitate, and then there’s kissing. Try not get these four activities confused. They are very, very different.

Best wishes,

El Awesomenessa.

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